B is for BDSM – The ABC’s of Sex
Would you like a little spanking?
BDSM describes sexual play that involves some exchange of power or pain. B stands for bondage, D stands for dominance and/or discipline, S stands for sadism (pleasure associated with inflicting pain) and/or submission and M stands for masochism (pleasure associated with receiving pain). Sometimes the terms are grouped together in pairs with BD referring to bondage and discipline, DS standing for dominance and submission, and SM referring to sado-masochism.
While BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, practitioners tend to play complementary roles that involve some degree of power differentials. However, activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved and BDSM can be a part of healthy, normal and safer sex play.
Playing out sexual fantasies can be a great way to explore new role-play identities and it is not uncommon for powerful and dominant people to enjoy being submissive during sex play. The desire to engage in elements of BDSM play like pain infliction or humiliation during erotic play in no way implies the desire to partake in these activities in other situations. That is, you can be a feminist who loves being sexually dominated by male partners and you can be a gentle, loving friend who enjoys inflicting pain on consensual sex partners. The complexity of these roles, however, requires a strong degree of communication to negotiate the parameters of activities in which you are willing to engage.
Sometimes referred to as scenes or sessions, physical BDSM activities may involve the use of hot wax, leather, massage oil, ropes, gags, leashes, suction cups and even fire. Psychological elements may involve punishment, praise, love, control or humiliation all of which are discussed in advance of each scene. The possibilities are endless – but consent, communication and respect are absolutely necessary to reduce risk and promote pleasure.
While the thought of studded collars, whips, chains and torture poles may conjure up images of violence and danger (supported by sensationalist media portrayals), the reality is that practitioners take many measures to practice safer sex. Pre-play negotiations, educational workshops, the designation of a “safe word”, post-play debriefings alongside the usual (and necessary) use of barrier methods for safer sex are just a few of the precautionary measures that make BDSM sex safer and pleasurable.
But this is really just the beginning…if you are interested in exploring BDSM, begin by checking out this pamphlet or online resource, enrol in a local workshop and be sure to talk to your partner about your interests and discuss your boundaries. All sex play (not just BDSM) should involve honest negotiations and discussion in advance of any physical contact – this is an important component of safer sex and is particularly important to address the potential physical and psychological outcomes associated with BDSM.
Until next time, have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex!
A is for A-Spot — Can You Find It?
Alphabet Sex Soup
Welcome to Alphabet Soup – with a twist! In this special edition of Let’s Talk About Sex, we’ll be going through the alphabet to learn the ABC’s of sex. Check back regularly for alphabetical updates that promise to make the English language a lot more exciting.
A is for A-Spot
Most of you have probably heard of the G-Spot, but the A-Spot is another exciting zone that can produce intense sexual pleasure as well as rapid lubrication and contractions in some women. Also known as the AFE (Anterior Fornix Erogenous) zone, this area of sensitivity is located at the deepest point of the vagina on the upper (anterior) wall where it begins to curve upwards.
According to Malaysian researcher, Dr. Chua Chee Ann, who is credited with “discovering” the A-Spot, this sensitive area is located beyond the G-Spot just above the cervix. (The cervix is the narrow lower part of the uterus that protrudes into the vagina appearing as a circular or tube-like structure.) Check out the super-awesome Beautiful Cervix Project to learn more about what the cervix looks like.
How to find and stimulate the A-Spot: Dr. Chua’s research suggests that stimulation of the A-Spot can result in increased lubrication in women who experience vaginal dryness. He suggests inserting a clean, lubricated finger (trim those nails first!) into the vagina along the upper wall and reaching to the deepest point. While you’re in there, you can also move your fingers around to locate your cervix, which may feel round, rubbery and a bit firmer than the rest of the vagina.
Once you reach the deepest point of the vagina just above the cervix, Dr. Chua advises clients to continue stroking and applying pressure on this spongy area until you begin to lubricate. Then move your finger in an in-and-out motion along the upper wall including the G-Spot according to what feels good for you. Some women experience greater lubrication and more consistent arousal after stimulating this area for 5-10 minutes each day for at least a week. Though Dr. Chua claims that stimulation of the A-Spot can result in instant sexual arousal despite subjective feelings (stress, boredom, relationship troubles, etc.), I caution clients to use physical techniques like this one in conjunction with activities that promote relaxation, intimacy and improved communication. No physical technique alone can “solve” relationship issues or replace the power of honest, open communication.
If you don’t find the A-Spot on your first try or if you do not experience pleasure or arousal, don’t worry – there are plenty of other hot spots on the wondrous female body and you still get an A for effort. (Sorry! I couldn’t resist that one.) As always, bear in mind that every woman is different and just because the A-spot is a hot zone for some women, this does not guarantee that all women will enjoy direct stimulation. In fact, some women find pressure on or around the cervix uncomfortable, so communication is of utmost importance when experimenting with partnered sex play. I advise clients to explore their bodies on their own before involving a partner, as becoming master of your own domain can lead to better sexual experiences when you do decide to partner up.
Though the A-Spot is located at the back of the vagina, a long penis is not necessary to stimulate this area, as the average vaginal canal is quite short and even an index finger can be used to reach the AFE zone. While vaginal size varies greatly from woman to woman, a recent study found that the average length of the vagina is less than 3 inches. Couples can also play with different positions to access this responsive area, but should bear in mind that most women do not orgasm consistently from penetration or intercourse alone. Stay tuned for more information on how different sex positions can create diverse sensations and stimulate various areas of the genital region in an upcoming post and feel free to reread previous posts on how to touch a woman for a quickie refresher.
Until next time, have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex!
The ABC’s of Sex
Alphabet Sex Soup
Welcome to Alphabet Soup – with a twist! In this special edition of Let’s Talk About Sex, we’ll be going through the alphabet to learn the ABC’s of sex. Check back regularly for alphabetical updates that promise to make the English language a lot more exciting.
And please send me your suggestions of what I should include in Alphabet Soup.
Most of you have probably heard of the G-Spot, but the A-Spot is another exciting zone that can produce intense sexual pleasure as well as rapid lubrication and contractions in some women. Also known as the AFE (Anterior Fornix Erogenous) zone, this area of sensitivity is located at the deepest point of the…Click here to read more.
BDSM describes sexual play that involves some exchange of power or pain. B stands for bondage, D stands for dominance and/or discipline, S stands for sadism (pleasure associated with inflicting pain) and/or submission and M stands for masochism (pleasure associated with receiving pain). Sometimes the terms are grouped together in pairs…Click here to read more.
More coming soon…
Latest Research: Teenage Sex, Casual Hookups & School Performance
Great news! Research suggests that teenage sex doesn’t necessarily lead to bad grades. No kidding!
If you just read the profit-driven headlines that combine the sensationalism of sex with the precariousness of the teenage years, you might believe that there is an indisputable causal link between teens being sexually active and earning lower grades.
Not so says the latest research. Those teens who have sex in the context of “romantic” relationships achieve similar academic outcomes as those who abstain from sex altogether. The researchers suggest that romantic partners may play a supportive role and help ease stress and anxiety. Bearing in mind that definitions of self-reported sexual abstinence can be highly subjective, the results can be viewed as encouraging in that they reject the inaccurate notion that teenage sex is inherently linked to poor academic performance.
However encouraging these results may be, they still privilege one type of sex (so-called romantic sex in the context of a committed relationship) over others. Once again, each person’s definitions of hook-ups, romance and casual sex are different which likely represents one of the study’s limitations alongside small numbers of respondents in certain relationship categories. Nonetheless, the reminder that sex doesn’t make teens want to dropout of school offers yet another nail-in-the-coffin in support of much-needed and effective comprehensive sex education programs.
And while the headlines may misleadingly suggest that casual sex leads to poor school performance, we are fortunate enough to engage with critical readers and researchers who offer the reminder that correlation does not imply causation.
Click below for CNN’s coverage of the research study.
Orgasms 101 on LisaLiving
Check out my latest article Orgasms 101, on LisaLiving, in which I answer your questions about orgasms:
What is an orgasm?
What does it feel like?
What is the “right” way to orgasm?
What is a porn-gasm?
What body parts are involved in an orgasm?
Enjoy!
Are More Women Willing to Pay for Sex?
Apparently there is a market for it in New Zealand…
Plans for a new brothel staffed by male sex workers are underway guided by ex-politician, Pam Corkery.
Many people ask whether enough women need to pay for sex in order for the female brothel to survive. But paying for sex is often more about options than necessity. Many people who choose to pay for sex do not need to pay for sex, but opt to do so.
Take Don Draper for example. Apparently reactions to the new Mad Men season include the criticism that sexy and philandering Draper is just too hot and powerful to pay for sex. As Cory Silverberg points out, Draper and his real-life counterparts don’t necessarily need to pay for it, but choose to do so despite having many other sexual options.
It will be interesting to see how the story unfolds in New Zealand…
Sex Is Good For Your Brain
More good news for sex-lovers! New research out of Princeton University indicates that sex may promote brain cell growth in rats. Check it out…
Jessica Talks Sex on CBC’s Steven and Chris
Jessica sat down with Chris Hyndman to discuss some of potential health benefits of sex. Chris was a blast and managed to keep his cool even while talking about masturbation, morning sex, orgasms and sex on the set.
Click here to view the video and scroll to third segment for Jessica’s guest appearance.
Dr. Jessica O’Reilly in the Press
Jessica’s expertise in sexuality alongside her natural ability to engage audiences have established her as a go-to media expert in the field. Her recent appearances on Cosmo Tv’s Oh So Cosmo, CTV’s Canada AM and CBC’s Steven and Chris are evidence of Jessica’s unique flair for discussing the sensitive topic of sex with a healthy balance of humour, education and entertainment.
Click on the thumbnails below to view recent television, radio and print interviews with Jessica or contact us for press bookings.
Jessica Talks One-Night Stands
From notabletv.com via clp.ly
How To Talk Dirty
The first step to talking sexy is to offer generous and honest positive feedback: moan, groan, exhale deeply and let your partner know that you are enjoying it. There is no need to exaggerate. You are not a porn star and are not being paid to have porngasms.
From www.lisaliving.ca via clp.ly
Jessica is quoted in the Globe and Mail
“Even though sex is a natural act, it is entirely a learned behaviour,” she says, noting that that includes the sounds we make, the things we say and the way we react to stimuli. Ms. O’Reilly helps women learn, seeing private clients as well as groups at stagettes and women’s forums.”
From www.theglobeandmail.com via clp.ly
How To Initiate Sex
10 Pointers for Women who Have Sex with Men
Many of the couples that I counsel find that initiating sex can be a challenge in their long-term relationships. Some complain that their partners never take the initiative and others say that they do not know how to instigate sexual activity. Generally, both partners should play a role in initiating sex as an indication of their interest in and attraction to their other half.
Initiating sex does not mean that you need to be in control of the whole experience, but simply that you show an active interest in getting it on. Here are a few ideas for women who have sex with men to get you started:
- Kiss! This may sound simple, but some sweet French kissing or nibbling on his ear is a simple way to promote intimacy, stimulate his sensitive spot and set the mood.
- Rest your head on your partner’ stomach and breathe deeply in synch. Ask him to play your your hair while you blow gently on his genital area and rub his inner thighs. Gently brush up against his pubic mound and penile shaft with the backs of your hand or wrists and look for visual reactions in his penis (which may stir or become erect) and his scrotum, which may pull up as he becomes relaxed and aroused.
- Offer to give your partner a back rub and slowly work your way down the back to his butt, thighs, calves and ankles. As you massage him, allow your breasts or other soft spots to gently drape against his skin.
- Set the stage: light candles, turn on some music and come out of the shower dressed in something sexy. If you do not have lingerie, a pair of heels and nothingh else will do.
- Ask for it! Tell him that you are aching to be touched and want him to take care of your every need.
- Tell your partner about a sexy dream you had that left you thinking warm and sexy thoughts all day long. Try to incorporate him into the dream/story you tell.
- Give him orders. Tell him exactly what to do to get you going.
- Order an adult movie or read an erotic story together.
- Sext or call him during the day to let him know you are thinking about him and looking forward to touching, kissing, snuggling and more.
- Pull out the toys, lube, feathers, massage oil and any other props you might use to spice up your sex session.
Have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex.
Please also feel free to share your pointers for putting your partner in the mood and initiating sex.
Female Ejaculation
Dry, Dribble or Drastic? To Each Her Own
Yes. It is true. Women can and do ejaculate. Just like men’s ejaculate, this liquid is associated with intense sexual pleasure and comes in varying quantities and with wide-ranging intensity.
The fluid itself is similar to that of male prostastic fluids and as in the case of men, sometimes ejaculation and orgasm occur simultaneously and sometimes they are separate experiences. For some women, ejaculation can be intensely pleasurable and evident, while for others their experience may range from discomfort to indifference. For other women, ejaculation can go unnoticed during sexual intercourse. Each of these experiences is normal and healthy. Our bodies are unique and just as each person reacts differently to the foods we consume, we also respond uniquely to sexual stimuli and touch.
Some women ejaculate easily, others hold back and others have learned to facilitate ejaculation through G-spot stimulation and bearing down with their PC muscles. Despite controversy around the G-spot, it does exist. Its stimulation may not be intensely pleasurable for all women, but the area on the urethral sponge definitely exists and contains erectile tissue that can be a source of sexual pleasure.
Many women hold back their ejaculate by tensing their PC muscles out of fear that they may spray urine during sex. If this concerns you, consider emptying your bladder before sex play.
And bear in mind that ejaculation it not a sideshow trick. If it happens, it happens. If not, no worries! Enjoy your body’s sexual response and rest assured that there are no “better” or “authentic” orgasms. You define your own sexual pleasure however you might experience it.
If you want to experiment with ejaculation, tone your PC muscles through daily Kegel exercises. During sex, try stimulating the G-spot by reaching into your vagina and feeling the ridge-like area on the upper vaginal wall. If you become aroused and are nearing orgasm, try bearing down or pushing out your PC muscles and see what happens. Some women describe their ejaculation as a small dribble and others squirt more powerfully.
For many women, intercourse does not offer enough sexual stimulation to produce orgasm or ejaculation, so try it out on your own first to learn to recognize this aspect of your sexual response. If you are concerned about urinating, you will likely tense up and avoid bearing down, so try to let yourself go and place a towel beneath you if you are worried about the mess.
I receive many inquiries about female ejaculation and have been reluctant to write about it, because I do not want to add to the pressure that women (and men) already experience in the bedroom. So let me reiterate that all sex should exclude pressure. Great lovers focus on sensations and feelings as opposed to goals and performance.
If you experiment with G-spot stimulation and do not enjoy it or never experience ejaculation, that is just fine. Appreciate the time you have taken to learn about your body and your unique likes and dislikes. Orgasms feel great with or without ejaculation.
Have fun and always practice safer sex.
Sex Workshops for Women – Divas in the City
Join Jessica for an evening of mingling and women-focused workshops on Thursday, June 4th at Toronto’s Spoke Club.
Workshops topics include:
- Sex and Relationships
- Money and Finance
- Fitness and Health
- Beauty and Self-Care
- Food and Nutrition
- Fashion and Style
- Business and Goal-Setting
See the links below for more info and use discount code DITC:
Could You Handle Two Boyfriends?
Open Relationships and Why People Are Trying Them Out
While many young men and women may dream of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right and living happily ever after in monogamous bliss, others cannot fathom the thought of remaining sexually exclusive ‘til death do them part. Sexually open (also called non-monogamous) relationships are not new, but they do seem to be appearing in popular culture more often as of late.
From Angelina Jolie to Will Smith, many celebrities are rumoured to be enjoying the freedom afforded by sexual non-exclusivity.
Open relationships come in many forms and there is no universal definition. Some people may consider themselves swingers (couples who swap partners with other couples) and others embrace polyamory (the practice of loving more than one person at a time). Even these categories encompass an almost infinite variety of arrangements. Each couple, triad or group has its own set of arrangements and limitations.
What all (good) non-monogamous relationships have in common are open lines of communication. Talking about feelings, expectations, boundaries and fears is essential to all relationships and those in open relationships are (generally) forced to talk about their own set of rules. While a sexually monogamous couple may assume that they agree upon definitions of sexual fidelity without any discussion, those in non-monogomous arrangements tend to communicate about the topic, as these relationships defy cultural assumptions.
Even those who are committed to sexual monogamy should talk about what their expectations are. Sexual exclusivity can also be subjectively interpreted and miscommunication or disagreements over unspoken expectations can cause conflict, pain and even break-ups. While you may be comfortable with sexy flirting, your partner might consider this an act of infidelity. A simple and honest discussion in all relationships can prevent hurt feelings and unnecessary arguments.
People explore open relationships for a variety of reasons. Some are looking to spice up their sex lives while others desire emotional and spiritual intimacy with more than one person. Some polyamorists feel that their arrangements cultivate strengthened support systems and some swingers report increased levels of marital intimacy due to improved communication resulting from sexual openness. By contrast, many monogamists feel that a single connection with an exclusive partner intensifies intimacy and trust.
Monogamy is often touted as the preferred format in Western culture and within non-monogamous subcultures, open relationships are sometimes valued as more evolved. However, no single type of relationship is universally superior to another and only the people involved can decide what really works for them.
Open relationships, like monogamous ones, are not for everyone. If you are interested in exploring non-monogamy, one way to broach the topic with a partner may be to start by sharing a few light sexual fantasies that include other people. Other couples start by visiting strip clubs or skimming adult classified ads together to test the waters and generate dialogue on the topic. If you are considering opening your relationship to include other partners, it is essential to talk about your feelings and listen actively to what your partner has to say. Speaking with an experienced sex-positive counsellor may facilitate this process and help you determine if it is a reasonable option for you.
Open Marriages and Why People Are Trying Them Out
While many young men and women may dream of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right and living happily ever after in monogamous bliss, others cannot fathom the thought of remaining sexually exclusive ‘til death do them part. Sexually open (also called non-monogamous) relationships are not new, but they do seem to be appearing in popular culture more often as of late.
From Angelina Jolie and to Eric Dane and Will Smith, many celebrities are rumoured to be enjoying the freedom afforded by sexual non-exclusivity.
Open relationships come in many forms and there is no universal definition. Some people may consider themselves swingers (couples who swap partners with other couples) and others embrace polyamory (the practice of loving more than one person at a time). Even these categories encompass an almost infinite variety of arrangements. Each couple, triad or group has its own set of arrangements and limitations.
What all (good) non-monogamous relationships have in common are open lines of communication. Talking about feelings, expectations, boundaries and fears is essential to all relationships and those in open relationships are (generally) forced to talk about their own set of rules. While a sexually monogamous couple may assume that they agree upon definitions of sexual fidelity without any discussion, those in non-monogomous arrangements tend to communicate about the topic, as these relationships defy cultural assumptions.
Even those who are committed to sexual monogamy should talk about what their expectations are. Sexual exclusivity can also be subjectively interpreted and miscommunication or disagreements over unspoken expectations can cause conflict, pain and even break-ups. While you may be comfortable with sexy flirting, your partner might consider this an act of infidelity. A simple and honest discussion in all relationships can prevent hurt feelings and unnecessary arguments.
People explore open relationships for a variety of reasons. Some are looking to spice up their sex lives while others desire emotional and spiritual intimacy with more than one person. Some polyamorists feel that their arrangements cultivate strengthened support systems and some swingers report increased levels of marital intimacy due to improved communication resulting from sexual openness. By contrast, many monogamists feel that a single connection with an exclusive partner intensifies intimacy and trust.
Monogamy is often touted as the preferred format in Western culture and within non-monogamous subcultures, open relationships are sometimes valued as more evolved. However, no single type of relationship is universally superior to another and only the people involved can decide what really works for them.
Open relationships, like monogamous ones, are not for everyone. If you are interested in exploring non-monogamy, one way to broach the topic with a partner may be to start by sharing a few light sexual fantasies that include other people. Other couples start by visiting strip clubs or skimming adult classified ads together to test the waters and generate dialogue on the topic. If you are considering opening your relationship to include other partners, it is essential to talk about your feelings and listen actively to what your partner has to say. Speaking with an experienced sex-positive counsellor may facilitate this process and help you determine if it is a reasonable option for you.
Part II of Giving Him a Hand from Woman.ca
This post is intended for readers over the age of 18.
If you missed the first installment, click here to check it out. As always, I’ll remind readers that no two penises are the same, so play with these techniques to find something that makes your dick(s) happy. Sometimes a quickie hand-job under the table does the trick and other times a slow, teasing build-up can produce the most intense orgasmic experience.
As promised, here are a few more moves to get you started and/or finish you off:
The Other Woman
This one is fun and simple. Simply use a backhand grip instead of the traditional forehand to try new sensations. Begin with your palm facing away and move your thumb into a thumbs-down position before gripping the base and sliding up and down and around and around.
The Twist and Shout
This one is broken down into steps, but fear not – the written description sounds a lot more complicated than the real thing.
- Apply lots of lube to your hand.
- Begin with the Other-Woman grip with your palm facing away from you and your thumb pointing down. (See above.)
- Firmly grasp the shaft at the base and slide up toward the head; your palm should still face away from you.
- When you reach the head, twist your hand around the head and over the top so that your palm ends facing you and you’re still gripping the penis from the far side. Pay attention to the ridge and frenulum as you perform the twist, as these areas can be highly sensitive.
- Slide down the other side of the penis.
- With just a tiny bit of practice, this will become a fluid motion and you can alternate hands to maintain constant contact. You may want to try this one on a dildo/vegetable first to get the hang of it.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vagina:
Use two very lubricated hands to wrap your interlaced fingers around his entire shaft. Squeeze gently as you move both hands up and down the shaft and pulse as you reach the coronal ridge. A tight and wet grip should ensure that your partner will be unable to discern whether you are using your mouth, hands or other bodily parts to pleasure his member.
Have fun, keep an open mind and always practice safer sex.
More About Hand Jobs: Part I from Woman.ca
This post is intended for readers over the age of 18.
Hand jobs are not just for teenagers. Though I’ve written about the art of sensuous touch in the past, each time I visit Desire Resort and Spa, I pick up a few new tricks from the very adventurous and experienced couples who attend my workshops. I thought I’d post a few thoughts on how to make the most of lending a hand in the bedroom, at the theatre or under the restaurant table. (Please abide by local laws.)
As always, I’ll preface this posting by reminding readers that every guy is different (even if they all seem the same), so there are no sure-fire ways to bring him to the heights ecstasy. All I can offer are a few techniques to get you started. You can practice on a carrot or other vegetable, but don’t get too hung up on technique. I always tell my workshops participants to do what feels good for them as opposed to focusing on my instructions. If you “screw up” and twist to the left instead of the right, don’t worry about it – the penis will still like it.
Consider beginning your sensuous hand job with a nice slow pace. Though our first instinct may be to grab a tight hold of a penis as soon as it begins to stir, a huge part of sexual enjoyment is in the build-up. By taking time to explore the entire body, we draw the blood to the surface and can promote full-body orgasms. And though the penis does love to get some hands-on, mouth-on, tongue-on, breasts-on (you get the picture) attention, good things come to dicks who wait.
So if you have a few extra minutes, take some time to explore his erogenous zones from head to toe. Touch, kiss, blow, caress, rub and grind your body all over his and pay attention to his response to identify his hot spots. You can return to these spots right before or during orgasm to intensify the sensation. You might consider caressing his body from head to crotch and then from foot to crotch while gently brushing against his good stuff with your breasts, hair or fingers as you get him riled up.
Once you’re ready to get down to business, you might begin by gently fluttering your fingers over his inner thighs, scrotum and penis. Use lots and lots lube for hand jobs. This is probably the most important piece of advice I can offer. If you blindfold him and use lots of lube and varied pressure, he should not be able to discern whether you are using your hands, mouth or vagina to pleasure his member.
I describe some starter techniques below, but you can play with them to make them your own:
The Firestarter – Lube up both palms and gently rub them over the shaft of the penis as though you are warming your hands over the fire. Lube is essential to this technique, so be generous in your application. Breathe gently on his lubricated shaft to produce a tingling sensation.
The Basic Grip – Use your non-dominant hand to grip the base of the penis by forming a tight okay sign using your index finger and thumb. This can function like a cock ring to trap blood in the penis and intensify sensation. Use the other lubricated hand to stroke up and down the shaft and apply pressure to the ridge and the frenulum.
The Other Woman – This is the backhand grip. Turn your dominant hand upside down as though you are signalling a thumbs-down sign. Stroke up and down the shaft to offer a varied sensation from the traditional grip.
The Multi-Tasker – Use one hand to perform the Basic Grip and the other hand to firmly rub up and down the bottom half of his shaft using lots of lube. If he doesn’t like being gripped at the base, use your other hand to massage his testicles and perineum. Wrap your well-lubricated lips tightly around his coronal ridge and twist in a circular motion with your mouth as you apply pressure to the ridge. (I know this post was supposed to cover manual stimulation, but hand-jobs and blow-jobs don’t have to be mutually exclusive.)
Check back for Part II in which we’ll cover The Basket Weave, The Twist and Shout and The I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vagina.
Have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex!
Touching A Woman – Part 3 of the Vulva Caress
Sex means different things to different people and great sex often involves a range of activities and a good deal of experimentation. However, many people view penetration as “real” sex and other forms as inferior substitutes. For this reason, we often rush into penetrative activities and skip over all the fun, sensual and intimate exploration that can involve other body parts and produce orgasmic sensations throughout the entire body. Not only do we deny ourselves pleasure in doing so, but focusing solely on penis-in-the-vagina sex can result in challenges with sexual functioning, response and pleasure.
In parts I and II of this series, we explored ways to touch and pleasure a woman without penetration. We will now explore some possibilities for manual sex that involve entering the vagina. As each woman is unique, you should talk to your partner about her comfort level before experimenting with new techniques. As always use lots of lube, enjoy and explore the entire body (not just the genitals) and practice safer sex using condoms and gloves as barriers.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
Circle of Love: Start slowly by circling the entrance of her vagina with one well lubricated finger. Gently insert it into her vagina bearing in mind that deep penetration is not necessary, as the entrance to the vagina is most rich in nerve endings. Try moving your inserted finger in small, gentle circular motions to see how she responds.
Come Hither: With your palm facing upwards (toward her abdomen), insert your index finger into the vagina and motion up and back toward yourself in a “come hither” fashion. You should feel her G-spot — a ridge-like area on the upper vaginal wall. Some women enjoy direct G-spot stimulation, while others do not. The only way to know is to ask. She may experience a bearing down sensation, as though she has to pee. This is normal and healthy and she can allow herself to bear down if she is comfortable with doing so. If she does expel fluid from G-spot stimulation, rest assured that this is normal and healthy. Female ejaculate fluid is expelled through the urethra and is similar in content to male prostatic fluid.
Line Dance: Insert one or two fingers into the vagina and press upward on the G-spot. Trace a line from the G-Spot out toward the vaginal opening and then up toward the clitoral hood and glans. Gently circle the clitoral glans and then trace a line back down into the vagina and up toward the G-Spot.
Twister: Cross you middle and index fingers and insert them into her vagina with your palm facing up toward her abdomen. Rotate 180 degrees as you pull your fingers out and continue in one fluid motion. Repeat and alternate between starting with your palm facing down toward her back.
Come together: Place your index finger against the clitoral hood and glans and insert your thumb into her vagina. Gently bring your thumb and index finger together so that your thumb rubs against her upper vaginal wall and your index finger strokes down over the clitoral shaft and the top of her labia. They should they meet at the vaginal entrance. Release and open them back up adding lube as necessary.
Have fun out there and always practice safer sex!
How To Touch a Woman Part II
In Part I of this series, we left off between the legs after a slow full-body caress and tease. Now we’ll explore a few more approaches to sensuous touch to build up tension and intensify orgasmic response. Be reminded that this is not a perfect recipe for success, as every woman is unique. Some will enjoy manual stimulation of the vulva, while others prefer a hands-off approach. The only way to know for sure is to ask. The following is intended as inspiration, not instruction.
Some thoughts on how to touch between her legs:
* Lube up your fingers on your dominant hand and make a W-shape with your index, middle and ring fingers. Place the “W” against the top of her vulva and draw your hand down toward the bottom of her vulva by her perineum. As you pull them down, draw them in toward one another so that you no longer have a “W”, but a flat palm and straight fingers. You can then move your palm back up to the top of the vulva (toward the pubic mound) and reopen your fingers into a “W” formation. Repeat and vary pressure according to her responses. You can use your other hand to gently rub her thighs, abdomen, sides, breasts or legs.
* Use a flat lubed-palm or several fingers to gently draw figure-eights over her labia and vaginal opening.
* Use lots of lube to gently stroke and pull up on her clitoral hood. Click here for a diagram of the vulva.
* Use your thumbs to gently draw circles over her lubricated vulva.
* Gently pull up and down on her clitoral hood to provide non-direct stimulation of the clitoral shaft.
* Consider using blindfolds, restraints, feathers and textured condoms/gloves to intensify pleasure and excitement.
In Part III, we will explore pleasure that includes penetration.
Be creative, take your time and remember to use lots and lots of lube. Have fun and always practice safer sex.
How To Touch A Woman: Part 1
This post is intended for readers over the age of 18.
Clients are often looking for sure-fire ways to bring their partners to mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasms. And though a quick survey of women’s and men’s magazine covers may suggest otherwise, there are no guaranteed tricks that will work each and every time for each and every person.
Each person’s body is unique and our erogenous zones vary not only from person to person but from day to day. What works on Monday afternoon in the backseat of your car may do nothing for you on a Saturday night after enjoying a bottle of wine in front of a flickering fireplace. And it goes without saying that while one partner may scream with joy at nice lubed finger in the bum, the same move might send another partner screaming and running for the hills.
Having said that, part of my work as a sexologist involves sharing techniques to help clients get started on their own journey of exploration and experimentation. Here are a few thoughts to inspire your own sexual voyage across the beautiful female form.
1. Start Slowly. Touch, caress, lick, blow on and rub the entire body.
Take your time to enjoy the entire surface of her body including her head, neck, shoulders, back, arms, elbows, hands, hips, legs and toes. Try avoiding the breasts, genitals and other sensitive areas (that vary from woman to woman) to build up intensity. You can use your fingers, hair, tongue, lips and any other body part you can dream up to offer a slow, sensual caress. You might want to start from the crown of her head and work your way toward her genitals. Then move down to the tip of her toes and work your way back up to the midsection.
2. Tease a little.
As you work across her entire body, gently breathe or brush against her sensitive parts without offering any significant pressure or contact. Let her ache for you to touch those sweet spots as the tension builds and blood continues to rush to the surface of her skin. Take your time.
3. Love the vulva.
When the time comes to touch between her legs, avoid penetration for a while. The vulva is a very sensitive area that is designed for pleasure and it is not necessary (and not always desirable) to put a finger in the vagina to work her up. Try gently rubbing your thumbs up and down her inner and outer labia. Use lots of lube and a smooth, soft stroke. Increase pressure slowly according to her response.
Flex your palm and fingers to create a mock tongue with your hand and lube it up generously. Move your wet hand like a tongue to mimic licking the outside of the vulva and pubic mound. Use your breath on the wet areas to cool and warm the surface.
Whatever your approach, make sure you communicate with your partner to make sure she is comfortable throughout the process. Encourage her to express her pleasure and convey the well-deserved appreciation for your time and care. Have fun and always practice safer sex.
In Part II, we’ll explore more ways to touch the vulva and intensify orgasms.
Have Better Sex With Condoms
Research out of the UK indicates that more women are opting to use condoms as their primary method of contraception. This is great news! Not only do condoms reduce the risk of unplanned pregnancies, but they also offer significant protection against HIV and sexually transmitted infections.
But condoms are not only important in terms of safety. They also enhance pleasure! Men who wear condoms can benefit from slightly harder, larger erections. Condoms can function like a cock-ring to constrict blood and trap it inside the penile shaft and keep it firm. Accordingly, they can also help men to last longer (in an erect state) during a hot and heavy sex session, which works out well for those guys who have partners who may take longer to finish off. This also benefits men who often experience intensified orgasmic response with prolonged sex play. For those looking for a little more stimulation, you can put a bit of water-based lube in the tip of the condom to enhance sensation.
Condoms can also increase sexual enjoyment for women, as they now come with a variety of options including ribbing, bumps and other features designed for pleasure. Some even come with a vibrating ring that can strengthen both the male and female sexual response and there are lots of fun ways to put on a condom. Using your mouth to place it on the tip of the penis and your tongue and lips to roll it down the shaft is not only super sexy, but also very easy to do. If you feel intimidated at first, try it out on a carrot or dildo. The women at my workshops are always surprised at the ease with which they are able to perform this sensual technique. And don’t think you need to come up for air as soon as the rubber has made its way down the rod. While you’re down there, feel free to explore a little and have some fun.
When using condoms, be sure to use lots of water-based lube to reduce friction and intensify pleasure. I love Aqualaria’s eco-friendly, organic brand that is produced in Canada. Lubricant is another sexy and safer part of sex that can be used and applied in an infinite number of fun and erotic ways. Try lubing up his manhood with your hands, mouth, breasts or face and see where the exploration leads you. Take turns at this and let him apply lube to all of your erogenous zones using creative parts of his body. Be creative, experiment and always practice safer sex.
For questions or story suggestions, please email info@jessicaoreilly.com
Fun Sex Positions
Burn Calories and Improve Flexibility While Getting It On
Warning: this post contains explicit language and is intended for those over the age of 18. If you are not yet 18, please click here for accurate sexuality information.
While sex offers an array of health benefits, one of its more obvious advantages is that it involves some degree of physical activity and you can burn extra calories while having fun. If you are looking to expand your sexual repertoire in the sex-positions department, read on, experiment and find the perfect combinations that work for you. The positions described below involve one man and one woman, but can be modified to suit two women, two men, threesomes, foursomes and larger groups.
The Director’s Chair: In this position, the man sits upright in a chair while the woman sits on his lap with her back to him. She can lower herself onto his penis with her feet on the ground or crouch with her feet propped up on the chair on either side of his legs. The second option will require some serious flexibility on her part — thank goodness for yoga! She can tilt and circle her hips to stimulate her clitoris against his shaft or either partner can use his/her hands to reach down between her legs. This position is even more fun in front of a mirror.
The Wheelbarrow: This is just like the wheelbarrow you formed with a partner when you were a child with the man standing upright supporting the lower body of the woman whose hands are on the ground in a push-up position. Rather than holding her feet, the man brings his pelvis between the woman’s legs. He holds her up by her thighs and she uses her hands on the ground to support herself. Either partner can perform thrusting or circular movements in this position, but the woman will require considerable upper body strength to maintain the movement. If her arms tire, she can take a break, lower onto her elbows and forearms or perform mini butt-pops instead of larger movements.
The Bridge: This position requires some strength and flexibility, but many find it is worth the effort. The woman lies on her back and the man kneels between her legs facing her. She can raise and wrap her legs around his hips as he penetrates her. She then reaches her palms over and behind her head flat against the ground. Her buttocks and hips should be lifted off the floor supported by her partner. When she feels up for it, she presses her palms against the ground to lift her entire back, head and buttocks off the floor so that her body forms a gymnastic bridge with only her hands on the floor. He supports her pelvis and lower body with his hands on her buttocks to reduce the weight she bears on her hands.
The Swan Dive: In this position the man sits on his buttocks with his back upright and his knees slightly bent. The woman straddles his pelvic area on her knees facing away from him so that they are both looking in the same direction. She lowers herself onto his penis and reaches behind her back to clasp her hands behind his neck for support as she leans forward. She should be on her knees with her body leaning forward at a fort-five degree angle to the ground. Her feet come off the ground behind his back and he holds them in his hands for support. Both partners can rock back and forth gently for clitoral, penile and vaginal stimulation. Consider placing a pillow beneath her knees to reduce impact.
Sideways: This position is simple. The woman lays on her side on the edge of the bed and the man stands upright on the ground beside her. She can use her hands, mouth and breasts to caress his penis and testicles and/or he can penetrate her vagina with his penis from various angles. If she rolls over to face away from him, he can stimulate her anus with his hands, mouth or penis. Use lots and lots of lube for anal play and be sure not to insert any objects that have been in the anus into the mouth or vagina without thorough washing and changing the condom.
Progress slowly when experimenting with new positions, make use of your healthy sense of homour and always practice safer sex.
Because It Feels So Darn Good
Women want sex. That’s right. Today’s empowered, educated, confident women are not afraid to embrace their love of sex. It feels great to say it and do it!
A study conducted at the University of Florida found that women and men in committed relationships reject gender stereotypes and embrace similar attitudes toward sexual pleasure.
But for those women who are in relationships with men who want it less than they do, a number of issues can arise. Some men feel emasculated or intimidated by their partners’ active libidos. And women, who may have been conditioned to associate desirability and arousal with being pursued, can find that their desire wanes when their partners are less enthusiastic.
To address this challenge, both men and women need specific reassurance from their partners. This is very simple, but many people disregard the power of words. First, tell you partners how you feel! Tell them how badly you want them, how good it feels to be with them and how they make your heart (and other body parts) pound with pleasure. Then you can also communicate your reservations, challenges and needs.
Second, both men and women need to get over gendered prescriptions of behaviour. Contrary to marketable myths, women are not from Mars and men don’t hail from Venus. We share commonalities and differences regardless of gender and though we are socialized differently, we should celebrate and not polarize or exploit our diversity.
It is not necessary for men to always be the ones initiating sex. Women can also do it so very well with their sexy talk, walk, glares, caresses, stripteases, handcuffs, thigh-highs, erotica, kisses and so much more. You get the picture. Gender roles should be fluid and men and women have the right to experiment with a range of behaviours.
Each couple needs to strike their own balance with regard to who initiates sex. It is unrealistic to expect it to be perfectly split down the middle, but couples need to communicate to convey their concerns and expectations.
And when one partner wants “sex” more often than the other, it is time to re-examine and expand our definitions of sex to include a wide range of oh-so-satisfying activities. Masturbation, watching or reading erotica, oral sex, manual sex, phone sex, internet sex, erotic massage and an infinite number of other activities can keep your sex life exciting and address the challenge of desire disparities within a relationship.
When one partner is too tired to engage in a particular sexual behaviour on a given night (or day), there is sure to be a happy compromise that doesn’t require as much energy, but can be equally satisfying. Playing with different sexual activities and watching the way your partners respond not only enhances the sexual experience, but also cultivates intimacy within a relationship.
Here’s to all the women who love sex and their partners who love them!
Have fun experimenting and always practice safer sex. www.jessicaoreilly.com